Full

Apologies if you're not specifically mentioned here. If you're one of my followers, I'm still thinking of you, and at the very least I don't mind you reading.

I know, I know. I've retired this blog. But the things I have to say this evening don't fit at all in the context of my tumblr. This is for my friends, my old friends. I thought of emailing you, but the old familiar blogging layout seemed more suited.

I've been swimming for a long time, pushing forward to the next thing. I have a theory, that there is only so much time for "margin" (as Wendell called it, and our team adopted), and if you know you're going to have a lot of margin, space, freedom coming up, you have to give up the little things you tend to do in the meantime, like reading blogs and listening to music and writing stories and checking facebook. It's a wonderful thing to be driven, but (Averygirl knows this, actually a lot of people do) my work ethic is TOO INTENSE sometimes. (I can't talk to you all without talking about my team...)

So, youth ministry. Hayley, my first impulse was to say how much I missed it. But I think my original heart surge at the topic was because of my emotional connection to my team, and the whole tour. It's weird to have your beliefs and likes determined by the people closest to you, but that's in a large way what happened. For me, it is better to think of individual people I love or have shown love to, rather than claiming devotion to a ministry.

Tonight reminds me of all God has taught me about waiting on his Spirit to share thoughts, and to have a sense of clarity. Those two desires, for understanding and communication, seem to have been consistent themes on this blog. Recently I haven't put off everything until I had them, but instead I've kept on going, getting ready for two Flood the Five events I'm helping to run this month.

If you're reading this, Hannah Faith, I've been thinking a lot about you today. Right now I'm reminded of the conversation we had in January about how we've changed since we first met, and how philosophy and questions and reading have opened to more freedom in Christ. I'm paraphrasing, but I'm sure you know, I appreciated that conversation.

Like I expressed on Liz's blog, I've been praying to follow God's call on my life, especially in how I continue to build relationships. (Aren't relationships what give substance to life, anyway?) But tonight, I am reminded of how blessed I am to have you as friends. I thought I gave up my NCFCA community when I skipped off to college. I missed being at Regionals so much. I am grateful this community still exists.

Illustrating non-naturalistically

I have been thinking recently about getting a different platform to be my corner of the internet. Maybe it's that I want a fresh layout, maybe it's that I feel that what I have to say or share hasn't been particularly suited to this blog for quite a while. So I'm thinking I may retire this blog. But if I do, you'll probably find me somewhere else.

Also: I wish I had the rights to put the image on this post, but ah! this painting is wonderful. I love the sense of life the colors communicate. I want to learn how to work with watercolors like this.

On a related note, I wonder how to make my paintings have a style that isn't intended to be strictly realistic. I want the piece I'm working on to be believable, but I am not looking to imitate the effect of a photograph. Let me show you the draft I made up a few days ago so you can see what I mean. The font and the wing (yes, that's a wing in the corner) have changed a lot, so pay most attention to the style. [Oh yeah, and it's my book cover if you hadn't guessed. ;)]

I want the colors and outlines to stand out, so that the effect of the image is the ideas it represents, not the actual objects. If you're open to giving input. . . right now I'm particularly struggling with the water. The way it is in the draft is very unrealistic. The images I'm finding look much smoother or whiter.

So I'm not sure yet what I'll do. Let me know if you have ideas.

May 30 + little children

Would I tire of this? Surely -
But not so much as to want to stop.
I'd be consciously and contentedly simple:
Heart tied to theirs, trading intellect for empathy.

This past weekend helped me appreciate, understand, and love little kids so much more. Makes me want to be a mother. The staff at the children's program I was teaching at told the kids to listen to "Rebecca Jie-Jie" (Jie-Jie means older sister). All I could think of when I started to write a poem last night was, "I may never march in the infantry. . ." 

I have thought about being a child of God, in the sense of being the daughter of my heavenly Father. Now I empathize with little children themselves, and see how I am like one in relation to God. I would like to write more about this to share with everyone who was praying for me. Juggling social media. :)

[Shout-out to Serfy for doing this with me. :GRIN:]

May 23

For love I lost the dreams I planned
   The horse carried me off before I had quite held on
In waiting for Him I found strength to sustain me
   Now we're racing through wind and my face grows flush
I'm finally content to accept the new:
   My eyes are still blind but my heart's secured.

May 21 [sonnet]

It makes me dizzy how much I bend,
Molding my words to fit those who hear;
I form to the pattern of those who are near
Or feel that for not doing so, I must defend.

Unmoored, I fear my faith's mettle's lack:
If outwards were gone, would substance be there?
But by moving for God's sake and not for the care
Of the world, I am righted and cannot turn back.

When Christ is the center, all else becomes straight
Though God's presence in me is not fully distinct,
And people are varied and roles are diverse.
Seeking after His heart makes my doubting abate
- Communion with God and true speaking are linked -
Thus trusting in Him breaks the power of the curse.

May 11

If I can't have a confident joy,
can I at least have insistent tears?
You know how I am driven mad
by my surrounding fears.

I've poured my heart out weeping
I know too much useless grief
I want instead to be filled, and drown
the sound of my doubts with belief

When the paralyzed sought healing,
he lowered himself and knocked
Jesus said, "Your sins are forgiven"
and he stood up and walked.