January 3, 2009

Joy?

I feel blah. Cold. Dead. The kind of feeling where you just want to listen to depressing music to drown out the sadness. It is like the darkness is creeping around, taking you away.

It's illogical, of course. What I feel like, I mean. I had an amazing debate class, went to a ball yesterday, and had a delicious snack. But feelings aren't logical. (And I mean that not in a "crush your feelings! Don't trust the traitors!" way. I know you can't rely on feelings. But my relationship with God should touch every aspect of my being- heart, soul, and mind.)

Maybe it's because I just...can't write. Can't articulate ideas about "leading the escape" when I'm not even sure I know what that is.

I'm going to read some Psalms. Psalm 5: "Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray...For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

Pslam 6: "Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony."

I want to be real and alive (honest, shaking off the pretenses of maturity or grace that I've constructed in my brighter moments)...I'm searching for joy. You know, to not just spew God-talk -"God is good" (of course He is) "He always loves me" (I know. But is knowing enough?)- but really be in His love.

His Love.

Psalm 5:11: "But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you."

Maybe I'm getting a glimpse of what leading the escape is about. Taking refuge in God's love leads the escape from sorrow into joy.

Darkness will not overwhelm me. His love carries me through.

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