March 25, 2009

I want to see miracles, see the world change

Heavenly Father,
Don’t you realize how heinously lame it feels? These deathly stops and false starts as I try to labor against hunger. The encouragement from others only falls flat on my failures. After all, why encourage someone who is terribly unproductive? Why keep on going when months of aching have yielded nothing?

There’s a way open, always a way I haven’t tried. But it’s so tiring, so exhausting- and it seems there’s no one to labor with me. I want to shake away my excuses, but even as I conquer them, more spring up, larger than ever before. "I can’t communicate with people so different." "Now is not the time." I despise that what was an excuse is now a legitimate reason for inaction.

God, why? Why is it so hard to do what you’ve called me to? Why do I have to keep failing? Being sidetracked, or my way being halted?

You’re timing is perfect, I know. I know. I know. But I don’t know why I have to tell others of my plans only to have them come crashing down. I don’t want to give up. But I’m ashamed to go on. Rather, ashamed to stop once again. I will never have to go through the pain of a closed door if I never take a step forward.

Why this contradiction? When you command, I try to obey, but I keep on falling down and I hate it. I hate feeling worthless and useless and terrible. I wish that my efforts would succeed. For once.

God, I’m not trying to doubt you. I’m trying to follow your will. And I don’t deny that, in a small way, my speaking out has been rewarded. Heh, I guess what I wish is that I could accomplish something bigger without my pride being crumpled in the process. Help me God. Work on me. Spirit, take me up in arms with You.

* * *

I request and greatly value your prayers for a matter that should be simple but is rather difficult for me, that is, organizing a 30 Hour Famine event with a youth group.


Hayley said...

I underlined this in devotions last night, in Joel 2:11, "mighty are those who obey his command." Keep going. I'm praying.

QueenOfLillyFlowers said...

that was beautiful.