May 4, 2009

is love a joke?

Lyricists are much more adept than I am.

Singing without tongues
Screaming without lungs

I want more than my lonely nation

I want more than my lonely nation

Desperate we are young

Separate we are one

I want more than my desperation

I want more than my lonely nation

I can't articulate, or understand. "We are slaves of what we want" but I don't know what I want. Nor do I know if what I want is even what is right.

I don't understand friendship. I think I can envision myself friendless, cynical at the world, hardened, and unemotional. Read this from a poem I wrote today:

Strip me of my feelings!
Callous my heart
Slaughter my emotion?

Only keep me

Resilient enough, you say

I don't want to be thick-skinned

Love is a joke that I need

I don't want to stop.

Instinct- or selfishness, I don't know which- tells me to reach out. I can't shove the world out, I can't spend eternity walking in the park by myself, with God.
Proverbs 19:23, "The fear of the LORD leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm." God is our refuge- are we supposed to just rely on him? We shouldn't become attached to the world. But passionate me is attached, horribly attached. But is it to the world, or just to people?

I don't want to be satisfied by the unsatisfying. Yet I don't know why it seems I have to love people less than I want to.

Luke 14:26: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."

Now it seems I shouldn't allow myself to get attached to my friends- to you. That I'm only intended to show agape, that showing signs of truly needing you is some kind of idolatry. Ugh. Is this the truth, or only my extreme withdrawal?


Grace Joan said...

If love is a joke, then the very basis from which we give, serve, make love (as opposed to rape or base procreation), enjoy, and hope is ripped right out from under our feet.

If love is a joke, then life is a joke.

And if all this is absurdity, then where does that part of us that wants to understand and order the absurdity come from?

Maybe it's all a part of the great-cruel-joke.

But we can't know what we can't we have to take what we do know, and live as honestly and fully as we can.

(I think)

Hayley said...

Not to belittle your confusion, because I get that, but frankly, dear, I think you've got it all wrong. :P

Have you read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers? This kind of reminds me of when Angel goes away because (well, because of a lot of reasons, but yeah) she loves Michael more than God, and it's not until she learns to love God more than Michael and discovers that God's love for her is greater than Michael's love for her that she can go back to her husband. (It's a retelling of the story of Hosea, it's one of those books that should come with a warning label, but yeah.)

The Bible is bursting at the seams with commandments to love and blessings to fellowship. Our relationships with people are parallel to our relationship with God - just as sin separates us from God, it breaks our relationships with people and hampers our ability to love people, and to love God. Jesus took away that sin, God is working to sanctify us, to teach us love and holiness. John 15:12-13, Hebrews 10:24, James 4:16, 1 John 4:21, Philemon 1:7 . . . I really think fellowship is one of the most basic doctrines of Christianity. Mr. Bettis says God could not be love and self-sufficient if He wasn't triune, that our need for fellowship parallels the Trinity. I mean, I'm sorry, I'm rambling at this point, but if people didn't need people, why does the church even exist? This is the core of my OI and Ecclesiastes 4, "it is not good for man to be alone" and we are /supposed/ to need people . . .

So long as we realize we don't need them as much as God. Loving people is a COMMANDMENT, fellowship a blessing. But it's the second commandment. Angel needed the love of God, not the love of Michael. Once she got that figured out, God blessed her with Michael's love. When we put God before our friendships, our friendships are blessed. God's love is all we need, we don't need the love of people but He doesn't want it that way, people are part of His plan.

So I think, it's not a matter of loving people less. It's a matter of loving God more, that the God of all wonders who gave us freedom and fellowship in the first place is at the center. How can we, how dare we love a person more Him?

It's a hard balance to maintain, and I catch myself all the time idolizing my relationships, but the more I love God, the more He blesses me through loving people.

I love you Rebecca. Not as much as I love God, but I love you a whole lot. : )

Micah E. said...

Love the Lord, with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.

Pour yourself into God, and he will use you as a vessel to share His love for the world.

God loves all of us. And the more a part of our lives we make God, the more we will find that love coming out of us.