May 17, 2009

Now

So many conflicting feelings...I want to be sensitive, with a real heart, resisting injustice and being revolted at wrong. At the same time, I want to be brave and strong, (like Warrior Liberty! :P) not bursting into tears at the slightest provocation or playing the role of a damsel in distress. There should be no paradox between the two, I just need an attitude of "don't save me, save the world."

But, when I take a stand or get upset, it's sometimes hard to distinguish if I'm fighting for right or to be right.

"Were we debating for the truth in all of it, or were we debating just to win the argument?" -Nuisance by John Reuben

Today, I was singing the lines from Mostly Prove Me Wrong: "I'm tired of being right. I'm retiring from that fight. Hey, come on, prove me wrong!"

Kristen asked if that really happened to me. Ah! Do I ever get tired of being right? I want to give up needing to be right. I think I have...I say I don't really care about being right, I care about finding Truth. Sadly, though, I can't think of any distinct examples of giving up arguing. Maybe it's because I have a bad memory, maybe it's because I think that I'm right, therefore, being right is also fighting for right. (An example of when there's no conflict...hey, it happens sometimes!)

'Tis hard, but there's no use trying to prove past righteousness or sin. Today is today.

When I think back at my own annoying self, my silly frustrations, my controlling self, I wish to cry out, "wait for it! You'll see- I'll be worthy one day. Eventually, I can stop being a selfish friend."

But how ridiculous that is. I'm never going to be worthy, I can't live to make my friends proud or do right so that I look good. All I can live for is God. (And He keeps restoring me!) <3

1 comments:

Michael said...

"maybe it's because I think that I'm right, therefore, being right is also fighting for right."

I can very much relate...a lot. I think it does get easier to admit you're wrong the more you do it though...there's a difference between arguing for what you believe to be right and arguing after subconsciously you've realized you're wrong, just out of stubbornness.

To rave a bit about Johnny boy...John Stuart Mill taught me more about this whole idea than anyone else I've met or read. I think I've said this many times before, but he said that every man realizes that mans understanding can be fallible, he just never believe that it is HIS understand that is at fault.

I don't have much to say really, this seems like a self examination type of post...just...I can relate, very much so. :-/