June 23, 2009

[A confession]

I wrote this in my journal last night. I'm ashamed that I'm such a mess. I try to console myself by telling myself that something needs to be broken before it can be restored. Today, I don't feel like a mess. But I don't want to forget that life has meaning. "There's gotta be something more/Than what I'm living for/I'm crying out to you."

Dear God,

I hurt. I am desperately wanting affection, or something to divert my attention. I want to be satisfied. Frankly, I'm not satisfied. I long- I ache- for you. But it's hard for me to realize it. I want satisfaction and I search for it in the unsatisfying. The emails, the blog posts, the Nats memories. But I can't feel full. I still feel hollow. So now, finally, I've escaped here. I've found a place where I can talk to you. But I don't understand what I want!

Maybe I should start with the problem. I feel empty, shallow, listless, purposeless. Living a lame existence. And I'm screaming to get out! Save me! But God. I'm honestly bored by reading your word. I want to engage. To be engaged. I want human love and attention- no. More. I want divine attention.

It's silly because I know I have your love already. I KNOW everything, it seems, But why can't my silly mind realize? God, I'm stupid. I feel like swearing but I don't want to do more damage.

Let me stop. Grawr. I'm frustrated, but I don't know why, really. Am I frustrated at myself? Blehh.

This stupidity is shameful. I want to confess it to you, since I know you'll understand. But, I don't know if I'm really talking to you or just writing complaints to myself!

I want something to live for, I've told myself. I want to live for You. Live for love. Devote my life to Truth. Easier said than done, of course. How can I desire you so painfully and not have you? Who are you, God? Why am I so confused and terrible?

This pent-up annoyance is getting to me. I don't know how to get it out. I don't know if writing helps anything. I'm screaming now.

Lord Jesus, Come!

Deliver me! Why must I be so downcast, so ensnared? Is this spiritual warfare? Forces of good pitted against the evil one? Satan desires hate and anger and chaos and dissonance.

But I am certain that You, Lord, want peace. You are the light. You deliver me you save me you rescue me. You are my escape. Why am I thinking about being or sounding poetic at this time and place? What I mean though, is that You calm my soul. You want my life to have meaning. You are Truth.

Teach me your way that I may walk in your truth! Lord! I cry out to you. In anguish. I hate myself. I'm ashamed. I'm humiliated. How can I not love you?

I desire you, and yet I don't desire you. My life, my thoughts, my actions, my words, are outwardly decent but internally and truly, they're in utter chaos. This is not a life of integrity; I live divided and broken and everything awful on earth.

Dear Lord. Heavenly Father. Oh, You who created stars and the sea. You who brings rain to the earth. Who creates. Who is the source of reason, a fountain of mercy. I don't understand your ways, but I beg you. Unite my heart to fear your name.

Unite my heart.

This is a confession, God. A confession of powerlessness, of masks, of confusion. Of not loving You when you give my every reason to. I desire, more than anything else in the world, to be Yours. I want to find you, glorify. I want to live for You. Restore me.

Yours, (what a delight to say!)
Rebecca

2 comments:

Micah E. said...

This darkness before the dawn... this dichotomy, civil war within the heart. This makes me weep.

"Unite my heart."

Amen. There is no other word, only let it be so.

Michael said...

Amen. *sigh* Amen. Amen! AMEN!