June 21, 2009

Feelings pass so quickly, can they possibly be true or trusted?

I've written volumes. In the car, mostly. Some acquired from the tourney itself, but most exaggerations, memories, and confusions. Here I am writing again. Since I have so much to say it makes sense to retreat to words. But simply, I don't know if these words matter.

I love feeling emotions, giving in to what I feel. Writing it down helps. But of course, restraint is always a part of the transparency. I have to decide what to post here on blogger, I have to censor my notebook, because I want others to read it, I have to think through what I say in person. (Too often I don't!)

I am not quite sure what I want to write next. I could tell about always wanting to be melodramatic. And how mercy towards others can mean not indulging feelings, since dwelling on injury gives emotional pleasure at the expense of another. (That's a thought I wrote down in my little notebook, actually. I wonder if it would be interesting or useful if I posted more about my random thoughts that I write in there. It was shockingly cool that people liked reading my book at Nats. To anyone who read it, or parts of it, please know that your appreciation made me happy.)

I can tell you about how I sometimes feel very insane. I can't understand myself, or compile or analyze my thoughts. I don't know if anything I say is true. All I can do is say what I know, which isn't me saying it, it's me repeating the Bible, or say how I feel. I just have to keep writing what I feel and post it before the changeable knowledge about my being becomes false. I love sharing my thoughts too much, I suppose. But the Truth finds its way out, I hope.

Perhaps I'm better off saying nothing. I've been very introspective today, I like it, rather. But I can only bear my introspection because I am writing out my thoughts. I'm glad for words. Communicating is a joy.


Hayley said...

Talking with you this week made me incredibly jealous of your minimal censorship of your thoughts. I self-edit excessively, but it's a double-edged sword, I guess.

Cheers to feeling insane!