June 6, 2009

Optimism, you are illogical. You are unflagging. I don't understand you, but I can't keep away.

I am alone. No, I don't mean that I have no friends, I have many, and dear awesome ones at that. But they leave. And I'm getting terribly sentimental after yesterday's homeschool promotion ceremony. Why do they have to leave?... I feel like I have to face the facts and realize that life goes on. That friendships fade away. I don't even know if it's possible to be united with your own siblings. Terribly pessimistic, I know.

Will they email me ever again? Will we be united? I don't even know them that well! I've only spent large portions of my whole life growing up with them. Why doesn't our childhood matter? Why can't it carry over into the future? Even in the future: friends in college, friends in adulthood, friends of my children...they all are going to be gone. It's so stupid that I have to just enjoy them while they last, and then *poof* they're gone. It seems so shallow to say, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Why is the world so transient? Why can't I make and keep ridiculous promises of fidelity to my friends? I can say that I love them, but I can't claim steadfast love, unfailing love, love that is strong.

I feel like I'm being stubborn, I feel so self-assured that I truly can't always commune with my friends. Was it even communion to rock out to Emery and Relient K and Taylor Swift in the sanctuary? Well, friendship isn't just about deep connection, it's about shared happiness.

Well, somehow...I'm not feeling all that depressed anymore, but I feel like it's all a cover-up. How can we smile when separation, sorrow, and suffering exist? When death exists?

Yet even as I acknowledge that friendships can pass, that the world will pass, I can't forget the immediacy of the now. After all, this is the world! Love is a beautiful thing! Needing and relying on God can mean living in the world...and so, amid shadows of doubt and unanswered questions, optimism persistently appears again. Hope is rising!

4 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Oh Becca. I can SO relate to this. I find myself being pessimistic and get all depressed because, well, we have our siblings for so long - and then like you said: *poof* they're gone. And it sort of happens slowly. Little things we see during the day, they're small, but they shock us and we think "wow, they're really growing up" and then we get all lonely. :(

But especially when graduations happen...and college applications start to whirl. *sigh*

The beauty of it all is, if our siblings are Christians they we shall be together forever in heaven. No more separations. w00t. That's going to be a great day. :-)

<3 Liz

Serfy said...

dearest Art, we smile because of the sorrow and suffering in the world. It is because we know that one day we will be separated that we make the most of the now, and love and live to the fullest in the present.

Sometimes I have doubts of "Is it worth it?" too. Is it worth it to invest myself so deeply in my friends? Is it worth it to bare my heart just so it will be wounded when friends betray and misuse it, even unintentionally?

I certainly don't have the answers yet, but I know that friendship is a beautiful thing, and that I will continue to cultivate relationships with my friends.

Micah E. said...

The only kind of honest happiness we can have is found in hope for something better.

Any happiness found in the immediate is tainted by the fact that, as you put it, "death" exists. And by death I mean more than physical death, I mean pain and angst and the fear of no meaning or the fear for others salvation. We can't be intellectually honest and happy at the same time, when focused on the past, the immediate, and the immediate future.

That's why C.S. Lewis listed hope as one of the Christian virtues, we cannot be happy unless we put our hope in something better than what we can see, because what we see provides no happiness.

But... Joy is different, I think. Joy is what allows us to be happy even though the "death" exists. Joy isn't logical, and for that I'm grateful.

Hayley said...

This entry made me sing that Group 1 Crew song to myself. "Love is a beautiful thing, that brings together people of every generation, love can heal the pain of a broken world, it's got to start with us."

I also think, while the pain of separation isn't a good thing, it has a good outcome if we respond to it right. Which I don't completely understand, but there's so much hope in that knowledge.