July 18, 2009

It's been quiet.

My mind is always humming, thinking, drifting, floating away on some circular adventure, to tour some faraway concept.

And yet, somehow, I've not really wanted to talk about it. I don't know why. But I've barely emailed anyone, or chatted, or blogged, for the past few days. Perhaps the fact that Kristen is leaving early tomorrow morning, and that tonight is the last time I'll see her for two weeks, is weighing over me. Undeniably, I've been busy- busy trying to get ready for two camps, one starting Sunday, another ICC's summer camp, two weeks away.

Well. I wonder, why is it that sometimes I am just bursting at the seams, wanting to talk and communicate, and other times, I am content to keep it all inside?

Yesterday, a lady at Dad's library asked me if I needed help. I thought, "Um? Do I need help? what should I say? Should I explain what I'm doing?" Before I'd consciously answered my questions, I heard myself say, "No thanks, I know what I'm doing." Was that me speaking? My outer self is polished and knows how to act. My inner self is bumbling, confused, and out of place.

If someone starts chatting with me right now, who will answer back? Will it be truly me typing a response? Is introspection making my identity disintegrate? What am I saying? It feels good to find myself capable of blogging about what I'm thinking about.

It seems the more I stare at myself, the less I know who I am. The only response, I suppose, is to start looking elsewhere. That's why you're reading this now.

2 comments:

Hayley said...

yes! I know what you mean about "introspection making my identity disintegrate." how well I know what that means, like I can't even explain, just, yes.

I am giddy that you have managed to articulate my problem, and I'm gratified I'm not the only one who feels like this from time to time.

Luke said...

Don't overthink yourself. Some things are better left unspoken. We are fallen human beings and because of this we are innept and not capable to understand ourselves. Instead of trying to think things through on our own, we ought to bring our problems and concerns to God. He alone is able to fully know and understand anything. Think about it this way: If we could fully understand and know ourselves and why this world is the way it is, we wouldn't need God.