July 3, 2009

"Pete and repeat were sitting on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?"

Think think think
Write write write
Ah, these are my thoughts, I'm finally getting them into words
Let me at least say what I think I mean and it'll get worked out

No, I'm still wrong
This isn't worth saying
It's repetitive, it's silly, I've already second-guessed myself
Don't want to spoil it by bypassing the guards my mind's employed

I need to start afresh,
This isn't getting anywhere
I know I have something to say, it mattered to me when I thought it
Why doesn't it matter now? It doesn't exist anymore.

Grasping onto what I know
The certainty of a cliche
If I know it's right, it won't matter how stupid and uninspired it sounds
But I grow weary of spinning in circles, repeating old tired words

I want to say something
But every stupid word that flows from my fingers
Degenerates into confusion. I'm not sure where I'm going.
Will I have to try again? Simplify until there really is nothing left?

My mind is extremely circular. I think one thing, then it leads to another, before I know it I'm back where I started. Today I realized again the truth of statements that have gotten me excited for a while.

I realized that I'm selfish, I only want wisdom because I love myself. That I'm half-hearted. That "unite my heart" is a plea that I can say again and again. That I don't want to belong to anyone besides God.

I remembered lyrics to songs I love. "I pray to be only Yours." "You belong to Me." "You are turning our hearts back to you. Again." And they're true, that's why they bear repeating. I want to pray to belong wholly to God forever and ever and ever. (This feels like two David Crowder references in one sentence. I really astound myself.) I remembered that I've been wanting to write a blog post about repetition for a while, and what better time than midnight when you're falling asleep?

"Re" is really a lovely prefix. It embodies the unfailing persistence of God's love. It proclaims the hope that this dying is not the end.

Restoration is on the rise.


Hayley said...

DCB ftw.

Every time someone talks about repetition, I think of Mrs. Moon's speech on Sunday of Regionals 2008. And just the fact that her speech about repetition stunk in my head because she repeated it over and over . . . that makes me awed at the power of repetition. Yo.

Michael said...

I love repetition, it's fun :) It's very much like regression, which is ten times as fun :P

I never really see myself in terms of wanting to "belong" to God. The way I see it, we all already belong to God, that's the easy part, He made us. The tough part is learning to serve Him. Perhaps what you mean is...having ourselves focused on only God, belonging seems like the wrong word for that...but that's not important. The first half of this was exceedingly fun to read :P