August 31, 2009

Home(sick)

Towards 1:30 am this morning, it finally clicked.

Let me explain. I had been complaining to Kristen about how I felt like I didn't belong in our ICC Chapter. I told her how I'm frustrated that I'm always the one who has to inspire people, and since I'm not being really invested in, it's hard for me to stay motivated. I wailed about how I wanted to grow intellectually.

"Why is it always about you?" she asked. It hurt. I guess... in a good way.

It bothers me, that all this talk of growth and belonging is, in my case, selfish. This little intellectual monster that in a way has become my self is asking for more, more, always more.

I realized, last night which was technically this morning, that if you take a little of my stupidity away from the equation, all I want is to belong. With Kristen gone, I don't quite feel like I belong anywhere. I have my family, yes, but it doesn't feel the same.

Being the largely unemotional person I am, I don't feel like I too terribly miss Kristen, and by the same token, neither do I my wonderful, God-fearing friends. But I know I still miss them dreadfully, and here's where I'm seeing it:

I'm trying to love everyone. I'm trying to give everything (to my Chapter, to my family, wherever). And I know that God makes everything possible. Only it's harder when you don't have a deep Christian community. I look for belonging in my Chapter and am disappointed.

I miss my community of friends. I miss home.

Kay and I were singing the Jon Foreman song Over the River. "All of us longing, longing for home. Home. Home is somewhere I've never known. Over the river, over the river... I find my home in You."

And it finally made sense. Everyone wants to belong, and though there are friendships that seem heavenly on earth, they're not as lasting as my relationship with God. Ultimately, this world is not our home.

I guess I forget that sometimes, and I should take separation as an opportunity to draw closer to God. Because He loved me first, I can love others. Because He gave His all, I can give everything.

I'm not home yet. But I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!

5 comments:

Micah E. said...

I miss you too. I love you, Rebecca.

Kaitlyn said...

<3

Makes me think of Hebrews 11:16.

Michael said...

Sometimes I find myself resisting this idea. I want to belong, and I want people to work at making me a better or smarter person where ever I am and not have to be the one helping other people all the time. Sometimes I don't like the idea that I'll never belong until I'm dead. Thanks for the reminder of why I'm wrong when I think that.

Isaac said...

You've inspired me beyond description, Rebecca. Looking forward to see you in this NCFCA season.

Joanna said...

aw, sweetheart. i've had someone say that to me too. bleccch.
guess what.
i'm in chapter this year.