January 31, 2010

Forgive me for writing this instead of actually talking to you.

Some days I open up blogger in order to manufacture the feeling of nearness it gives me to you. I wish to be with people, closely. I also wish to ease, urge, grapple, something beautiful into the world. I think that words can be handled in such a way that they fit together with loveliness. Perhaps I simply want practice in crafting sorts of sentences that please the ear. I enjoy reading about the care that Francine Prose feels for sentences: I want to take the same delight she takes in sentences. This evening, I'm striving to write neatly, primly, sweetly; I'm holding the words to myself, considering every clause before I direct my fingers to type them. I doubt that it improves my writing greatly, but I cannot deny that it is pleasant today. Only, I spend so much effort breathing out light words that my mind is diverted from saying anything at all.

I have noticed recently that I'm quite interested in sound and speech, and saying things out loud seem to have a particular significance for me.

I just went up and looked at the sentences I have written so far. They seem pretentious and unlike me. But rambling like this is so much fun! Somehow, taking time to say nothing makes it seem worthwhile... In all actuality, I'm may be writing this simply because it is easier than finishing my art lesson. I shake my head in chagrin at this.

I seem to have nothing to say. I wonder how to see myself as I really am. I wonder if it is important to delve deep into my soul and analyze the state of myself. I would like to have some brilliant observation on living shallowly to share, but I do not. I am very tired. It feels strange to search into my past mind to try to pull out something that's actually interesting to say. I wonder if depressing things I've thought yesterday or the day before matter anymore, if I haven't quite dealt with them, but am not really feeling them now. I wonder how to accurately show rambles of mind in a way that people identify with. I wonder how to tell truth with grace. I wonder what my sentences would be like if English didn't contain the word, "wonder."

I like copying shapes and pretty lines into my sketchbook. I notice that my art, or at least ideas I have to put into drawings, concern curving lines often. This reminds me of something I thought today, about how cool it is that people have specialties. In my LD club, we've decided to study particular subjects so that we can educate each other. It was a great success on Saturday. I think about people knowing a lot about popular culture, or about the beat generation, or about playing certain instruments, or about psychology, or about photography, or about acting, or about physics, and I'm glad and appreciative. I like being a geek in my own way, and joining with other people who know various other things to help make us all more cultured, larger, wiser people. I like thinking that for the hours I spend cultivating my specialties, there are other people doing other worthwhile things. I also wonder if I should branch out and do other things, but I don't consider it too anxiously, because having lots of interests and hobbies isn't really essential. In case you hadn't noticed, I stopped trying to vary my sentences or make them full of grace a while ago.

This was a fun little exercise in rambling about speaking my mind. I was about to insert a smilie, but thought it wouldn't be in keeping with the overall style of this post. I know I don't have to abide by my own rules, and perhaps it's silly and childish, but I don't mind it. I notice that I go to great lengths to describe the condition of my face. Emoticons are very limited, but it is quite a bit of trouble to detail the way I'm smiling in words. By now I have forgotten what the smile I was trying to describe looked like. Such is life! (Sometimes I say "c'est la vie" out-loud, and hope that my "say la vee!" is correct pronounciation. I shall look it up as soon as I publish this post.)

In attempting to come up with a title for this post, I thought about calling it, "an unimportant ramble." Or, "a one-sided conversation." Both of these options are true. But the theme running through all this is, I think, my feeling of wanting to talk to people. Perhaps because it's late, I feel more affectionate and thoughtful. Sometimes I miss places, or ways that I am (for example, I thought earlier today that I liked my MASTERS self better than my current self, perhaps because I seemed to have more opportunities to live well and faithfully and truly, more people to be good to) but right now, it seems I just miss people. But it really saddens me that I'm writing this long blog post instead of responding to emails (but it just popped into my mind, honest) or actually chatting with the people who are online. I know why it is: I was just supposed to take a short break and then go back to drawing. But instead I'm sitting here talking to my blog instead of breathing humans. I find myself in a sad place, a place I don't want to be. I'm sorry. I guess the least I can do to make amends is to post this.

4 comments:

Hayley said...

"Some days I open up blogger in order to manufacture the feeling of nearness it gives me to you." Yes, yes, yes.

"I enjoy reading about the care that Francine Prose feels for sentences: I want to take the same delight she takes in sentences." She makes me afraid, so afraid to write. Much like, you don't mind if you miss when you aren't aiming, but, being careful with words is so much like aiming for something lovely, and I'm afraid the effort will spoil my ability to write anything lovely at all. She shames me by showing me how thoughtless my writing is!

"I have noticed recently that I'm quite interested in sound and speech, and saying things out loud seem to have a particular significance for me." Sound of sense. Score one for Robert Frost. Boo-yah.

"I wonder how to see myself as I really am." I asked Katie this a few days ago, and her answer was so wonderful, how the more clearly we see God the more clearly we see ourselves.

"I was about to insert a smilie, but thought it wouldn't be in keeping with the overall style of this post." I feel so conflicted about emoticons in blog post. I think, they are rarely, rarely called for. But when appropriate, they're pretty magical. So. There it is.

Today, we were driving home from snow camp, and after my friends had fallen asleep I mumbled to Sarah, "I miss Rebecca." And she knew which Rebecca I meant. I haven't seen you in seven months. I counted. That's kind of, a long time. So many little intangible things at snow camp were reminding me of you! So, I indulged in some missing. You're quite spectacular. For the record.

I love, like, greatly admire, your new layout. And Kris's new layout, and Michael's new layout. They're pretty snazzy. I want to change mine, but I don't have the patience for coding. And I got over that copy-cat mental block for nothing!

Micah E. said...

"Perhaps I simply want practice in crafting sorts of sentences that please the ear." You did a very good job with that one.

:feels like there's more to say:

Joanna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joanna said...

i wrote something but google farted it. so i try again.
moi, l'experte de la belle langue, dit que le pronounciation est "SEH lah vee..." ce n'est jamais "SAY lah vee."