January 12, 2010

I am only someone.

All of my life, it seems like, I have been trying to give something. I think so much about what it means to express, and how to speak, how to communicate through art, through music, through service, through words.

I have nothing to give you but my hands: what service I can render you with the skills I've accrued; my time: to listen (and I fail so often to give this to you, I hold it back to do what I feel I must); my appreciation: because you, you, seem to have something to say and my life wants to echo its truth.

I have nothing to give you but a shell: a set of hands, a soul moving through time, a heart able - like so many others - to feebly respond.

I don't know, it doesn't make sense, what do I want, to be Truth itself?

I have nothing to give you.

Who cares if I can tell you what I've learned about expression, who cares? Who cares if I can parrot back what I've been taught, who cares?

Lilly said that I must have something to give my readers, something more than an empty ramble. Oh, there is something there to say, but it's been said better by so many people. And still, I want to study humanity so what I write can help people live better. But that tiny bit of substance - to live better - seems so weak against the force of everything I am not.

What makes something new? Truth is renewed in our understanding because of the lives in which they are realized. And so - being unique, truth should matter in my life. Because people are unique, saying things told before to them might, oh might, maybe, help them, bring forth God's kingdom.

I am a tool for someone else's words. And I've been trying so hard to express my own words, not because I'm trying to be prideful, but because that is the contents of my life right now, the assignments that I've committed to complete. I've been trying so hard to be faithful. Oh, it tires me out to keep searching for something to be expressed and to not find it, to not find it truly. When I give my final YSG presentation on Thursday, I so desperately want to leave my listeners with something, something.

I am only someone.

If I am resigned to only be a mouthpiece, to only be a life, then I grasp on to the only truth I know, the truth of grace. There is nothing that I can know but that, and lives and worlds where I see it to be true.

And now, I must span a divide, as only one person, somehow bringing grace into my speeches, my letters, my writings, my plannings, my art, my life. And I must persevere with action, somehow realizing its meaning though I fear that I have no time to spare. But I've found grace, and I do not simply express it, I have it for myself. I can breathe, now.


Kay said...

I miss you. And, I am praying for your final YSG presentation. <3

"But I've found grace, and I do not simply express it, I have it for myself. I can breathe, now."

:) Exactly. Thank you.

Art said...

o.O My sister reads my blog???!!!!1111


Thank you for your prayers. I love you so much.