January 15, 2010

Realizes

I guess... I am aware that how I feel is not how I appear. I am aware that my silence, my musing, my questioning, my being makes people feel uncomfortable sometimes, they feel uncomfortable for me. Sometimes.

I do not know what I want: I feel happy and content just to be surrounded by life. I think it makes me feel a little out of it, when I hear people having conversations around me, and me being near them but not participating, not knowing how. I lack social skills? Maybe, or I just lack common knowledge. All I care about saying are thoughts, ideas, love.... (trails off, hoping her self-perception isn't too inaccurate)

I would share with you everything I think about, I would let you be with me, but if you don't ask, so be it. I look awkward, I even feel a bit awkward, yet in my mind I'm happy.

I'm speaking irrationally. Maybe I spend too much time by myself. Maybe this is just what I would say if I could say it to the RSA's....

I don't like thinking that the only way I understand love is through conversations. I don't like thinking I am just a silly delusioned sheltered girl who really doesn't know how to connect with the people around her. Maybe I am. how do I change it?

There is so much glory to be found in the world I know: the world I've been so discontented with, fought so hard to escape, but finally found to be one of the best places in all the world. And now, I leave my family, go out into friendships I hardly know.

(life is confusing)

I don't just want to love at a distance, love memories, love hopes, love the people I've believed they are. I want to love flesh-and-blood humanity, somehow, somehow! Even with my awkwardness, isn't it possible? Lord God, teach me to love.....

2 comments:

Echoes in Ink said...

You would never make me uncomfortable.

(Life is beautiful). I want to live.

I hope you have a lovely day. I hope the sun smiles when you wake up, and the moon smiles as your sleep. I can't wait to see you soon, friend.

Love always,
Catey

Hayley said...

Ah, how I empathize! Relationships are awkward, life is confusing, the unanticipated is frightening.

What a prayer to pray every day, Lord teach me to love. The very best prayer.

Oh how this post makes me miss you. Miss being with you, more accurately. You are so Rebecca, I love that so much.