January 25, 2010

Things I want to do.

It's a little too late for New Year's resolutions, and a little too early for birthday resolutions, but I have them nonetheless. Some of them may just be new week resolutions, or new month resolutions.

1. Stay awake. (and keep waking up early)
I mean this first literally, secondly metaphorically. Today I was so tired I took an hour-and-a-half nap in the middle of the day. Being tired all the time hinders the other things I want to do. So does being asleep spiritually. I will keep wrestling the angel; the curse that I want to undo is, as I remember, my not understanding. Quote from a boundless article that encouraged me: "But if you hold on, if you wrestle long enough — you won't leave empty-handed." (Oh, to know something is meaningful and not see how... sigh)

2. Read more.
I don't have enough wisdom to know what I should be doing, entirely. Plus, there are a bunch of books I've been wanting to read for a while that I may have time to read since Recap and YSG are completed. They are:
- Reading Like a Writer
- The Great Divorce
- The Sacredness of Questioning Everything
- Desiring God

Thinking about them makes me feel hardcore. =P And I still have to finish e e cummings' poems, and I have The Collected Poems of Emily Dickinson on my shelf; I may or may not get around to reading it.

3. Pray more.
Praying for myself seems to make more sense than praying for other people. But I want to believe that "The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

4. Put myself into NCFCA.
If I'm going to compete this year, I ought to actually care about it. I've spent most of the year limping along, preparing enough to blunder through the round robins, or answer my LD students' questions. In addition to really working on debate, I want my speeches to reflect truth, I want to believe in them. I really care about my Till We Have Faces DI, so I don't want to slack off on it. And somehow, I want to be able to redeem my duos for myself, and care about them. I want to do them for God and my audience, not to please Colleen. Maybe that's wrong? I don't want to be resentful about working on them, I know that much. And as for apologetics, I'm not sure what I'll do. I don't know how much time I have to work on my cards, but I at least want to be speaking from the truth I see in my life as I give the speeches.

5. Understand social justice.
I get the point of speaking truth in love. It's very hard to make myself care about people I don't know. I don't know if I should feel guilty that I'm not raising money for water purifiers or bednets or to free slaves. I know God values justice, but it's so very confusing.

6. Decide whether or not to apply to intern with CFC.
This is definitely a new year's resolution, because I have all the way until next January to decide. This year, I want to see if I believe in what CFC says enough to teach it. I understand the importance of communication, that it enables you to speak and share with others things that matter. But this year, I want to see if it is possible to speak about what matters. Not just speaking for the purpose of speaking, but caring about something and telling others about it. Related to this topic is my desire to understand community speaking better. I am completely willing to take whatever speaking opportunities are given to me, whether they want me to teach them or delight them or inspire them. But what about me pursuing chances to speak myself? I have no assignments that must be completed anymore, but if there's something that needs to be said, I can understand actively seeking people to say it to. Only I don't know if there is something that I believe in like that, that I should be taking to people I don't know, not just living it in the circle of people around me. Also, my parents are suggesting I get a job or get involved with a larger community than people I already know. Something to think about, and hopefully act upon.

7. Say "I love you" and mean it.
...Yeah. I only understand it as "God loves you" (even that, I don't comprehend: I desperately want to know more about God's love) or "I am trying to love you."

8. Progress on school work.
Obviously, this will happen. But I still feel like it's worth mentioning, because it is a thing I want to do, even if my mom will make sure it happens. I have lots of Calculus and Bahasa to do. And assorted other things. And SAT II's. :frowns: I also feel like I'm behind everyone I know in regards to planning for college. I simply don't know what I should major in, where I should study. Rutgers feels too obvious, as if choosing it would be no choice at all, simply defaulting to the only option I don't have to think about. I wonder how large scholarships I could get if I applied to other schools. I don't like thinking about college, even though I feel bad that I haven't. I guess it feels like an obligation.

These eight are basically all I've been thinking about today, I think. I want to say something inspiring and true, but I'm just listing off to-dos.

Another thing that doesn't fit with this post at all is that I am realizing that my memories from MASTERS are all about myself, how I changed, what I felt... I wish I could see my friends in my mind's eye more clearly, come away understanding them.

I feel like a broken record, all I say is "truth" and "understand." I don't know . . . I don't know if it's worth speaking if I don't understand myself, I don't know how to come away from this state, I don't know what truth to be comforted with. I seem to speak in order to say something, because talking and writing is the only way to move. I'm probably wrong. (oh, if I don't post this now than I won't ever; I hold so tightly to my own world; I almost want to post this so you all can know that I know I need to understand; thinking is so hard, living so challenging, and I'm so attached to semicolons)


Hayley said...

Read more is something I'm always resolving to do, I feel that, no matter what, reading will somehow be beneficial. And yet, reading is so time-consuming, it so often gets shafted to my to-do list.

You are, you are SO hardcore. ;D

For all four years of high school I planned for and so looked forward to college. Now that all my applications are in, and the reality that acceptance is about as likely as being able to pay the tuition (which is to say, not at all), I'm wishing I hadn't thought about college as much as I did.

If I learned anything this past year [and by "learned" I mean, someone told me, and I understood, and I only hope I can remember the lesson forever] it's that the struggle and the wait for understanding is worth it. So often I feel completely folded up in perpetual confusion, but, understanding comes. Eventually. And the struggle is terrible and confusing, and worth it.

"thinking is so hard, living so challenging, and I'm so attached to semicolons." Hah, amen. :)

Michael said...

A little part of me get's annoyed when your booklist has a book I want to read on it, because then I feel like when I read it you'll think I'm reading it because my friends are reading it :P I want to read the great divorce. But, now this book "The Sacredness of Questioning Everything" sounds really, really, good, and I want to read it.

I don't think you should worry about college too much. I mean, it is a major decision, but you don't need to know where you're going at 15, or 16.

"attached to semicolons" . . . am I the only one that sees the humor here? Because, you know . . . semicolons kind of "attach" two sentences :P