March 15, 2010

Answers for now

Today I grew frustrated that I felt like I was wasting time, or that the things I was doing with my life weren't very meaningful. I wondered about using my life for good, and finding opportunities to love people, and accomplish good with them. Furthering the kingdom can seem impossible, when no one directly needs your contributions to society. But to quote Daniel Berrigan, "The good is to be done because it is good, not because it goes somewhere." And loving people can be tricky, because they don't need you constantly or always; people need you because you are a person, and partially because you are yourself, but not because you yourself can save them from anything. Or, what I'm trying to say is, I'm learning that as much as I want to own people or have them as my own, they aren't mine, and I can't count on them to need me. And that I am so grateful for; if people returned to me my selfish craving, I don't want to think what would happen. But, connected to that, I also thought about being married and what that would be like, the feeling of having someone who is yours. Back to the topic of having a useful life, I thought about creating art, and inspiring thought. I wondered what was the value in expressing the self, when there is so much expression out there already.

I guess, the conclusion to a lot of important thoughts is that I have found enough answers to know how I should live. I feel like I am able to trust that God puts me in places and makes things happen for a reason, and so I am able to be occupied by joy in what I do. I'm finding out that glorifying God can just mean.taking joy in Him, and then faithfully doing what comes next. I don't have to rush to be useful to the world, or stress out about not doing enough things: my life isn't meaningful because of how much I impact people, or even how much I make them feel loved. Where I am now, I can love people around me, face the upcoming tournament, and plan to do useful things in the future, without the pressure of needing those things to make my life worthwhile and meaningful. I feel like I can really rest, in peace, doing the next thing.


Liz said...

Yes. Thanks, Rebecca. :-)

Kaitlyn said...

Thank you for blogging, Becka.