March 7, 2010

Today is a resurrection day.

I gave so many speeches at Freedom that I did not understand fully. I spoke on glory when I was not glorified myself. I spoke on depravity when I had not realized my own depravity as much as I do now. I spoke on keeping your eyes open when mine were still blinking back tears. I spoke on redemption before I had tasted what I have of it today.

I don't think there is any regret left.

I said yesterday that I was so discontent, and I was, I was. I was frustrated at myself for seeking everything but the satisfying.

Today I realized that I don't need to break. And I was filled with joy. Perhaps that's something that I should have realized earlier.... but like many other things, now I see them and now I understand, though of course I can never claim to understand fully. I feel like I was holding on too tightly to winning debate. Unspoken expectations, hopes built on things less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. After HOPE, I felt that God was humbling me, and that Freedom would be my chance for glory. I feel like I'm finally seeing that it's not a tournament that brings me glory, or contentment. It's not that God has punished me for a bad attitude by making me not break. He has not humiliated me, he has not put me to shame. Simply, because I could not, or would not, loosen my fixation on my own success, he loosened my grip for me, and gave me himself.

I was afraid of punishment for my pride and selfishness. Perhaps I have been disciplined, in a sense, but far less than I deserve. I feel like I have been held back from all the evil I could do. And more ... that God has shown me the greatness of his love. I cannot be afraid of anything: of never breaking again and losing my chance for Nationals, or of bumbling every speech. How can I be afraid to lose rounds, the world, myself, when nothing will separate me from the love of God?

....

I've been sitting here, trying to explain to you all why I feel that I have become Psyche. I don't know if I can explain redemption for myself, really. I feel I must explain that I am not trying to take away Till We Have Faces from you, only it's so much simpler to explain through a metaphor.

I can recall Hayley's insistence to me: "The palace is already there!" And... that all I need to do is believe. Well... what I see to be true is that belief is not a choice. Orual can never believe within herself; her doubt cannot create belief, it can only give way to it. Orual only has life in the spirit when the old self is put to death.

What do I mean? I tried so hard at Freedom to resolve myself, to understand. I wore faces of confusion, of doubt, of pain. I wanted to seek God but I don't know if I succeeded. In so many ways today God has shown me mercy, changed my heart. I think I have seen my own wrongness, my own hopelessness, my own death. (I didn't write it down; feeling is first) And I have not gotten justice. I have been made Psyche, finding myself in God, only finding contentment in him. And then beauty comes in, and every regret is God bringing me to Himself.

Today is a resurrection day. Thanks for listening, and letting me tell you about it. God give me grace for the redemption of all of me.

4 comments:

K-Mac said...

I love you.

Hayley said...

I'm so glad for you! And sorry, for not understanding. God is so good!

Kaitlyn said...

You made me smile one of those sweet sad smiles that is best summed up in the words of Katie and Hayley:

"God is so good!"

"I love you."

Michael said...

Oh, I am glad. I can relate to this feeling, most definitely.