April 3, 2010

Easter Eve

I want to be reverent. I regret to say that not all of me wants to be reverent, or else I would have tried harder to be. What I mean is, I want the feeling of truth encompassing my being, I want to feel humbled and convicted and loved, and most of all I want Easter to be meaningful.

Holidays this [school] year seem to have crept up on me. Things that used to be a big deal haven't been made much of. Take Christmas, for example. Since we were in Malaysia during the time, we weren't able to celebrate it with the same kind of traditions. I remember journaling on Christmas eve, longing and aching to feel the significance of Jesus's birth. I remember Micah saying something about wanting holidays to be holy days. I sympathize entirely.

And then Christmas came, and it wasn't like what I expected. It was calm, kind of withdrawn. It was simple, but true. We went to a local church building for their service, and I appreciated being reminded of Jesus Christ himself, and our need for him, even as I didn't appreciate hearing The First Noel sung. I cringe whenever I hear that song, because of the rhyming. But no matter. I remember coming away from Christmas thinking about the cross, and the significance of Jesus's death. I thought about how God could only forgive me of sin because of the death of His son.

The first time I really thought about Easter this year was during the 30-Hour-Famine. The group of us were having communion to break our fast and I felt like I finally understood what it was about. We had just spent thirty hours not eating, and seen what it was to deny ourselves. And it was so meager, so simple. It felt so worthless compared to all the suffering that so many people must endure. I was weighed down by my own insufficiency. Then, to hear and remember Christ's body, broken for me, and Christ's blood, shed for me meant so much. I can never hope to be enough, and Jesus's death paid it all. I struggled to think how I could live in joy, and let myself be content, when I felt too unworthy to take what He offered.

Now, it's nearing Easter, and it feels like something's missing.


Michael said...

"Now, it's nearing Easter, and it feels like something's missing." . . . I very much concur. It feels much too much like a normal weekend, or something like it.