April 15, 2010

implications and complications

I've been thinking a lot about college lately. This is because I've finally started to wonder what I'll do next year. See, the problem is (and really, most people wouldn't call it a problem) is that I have a lot of credits already. And there are only a couple of subjects I should do before I graduate: Greek, Malay, and Home Economics. None of which are especially important subjects. Of course, I could go further in math, or take another AP course, but there's just not that much for me to do academically next year.

So one proposal is to finish high-school in the fall (I'll also be taking Psychology at the County College -which I'm happy about) and then go to Rutgers in the Spring. And then, whether or not I intern with CFC, I can attend Rutgers until Kristen graduates. This is slightly exciting to me, mainly because it's something new that I hadn't thought of before. But it's disconcerting, because it means I can't compete in NCFCA.

I don't think I'm writing about this very feelingly, but I am distressed about it. I suppose I've kind of come to grips with Hayley and Micah leaving, if coming to grips means not talking to them very much. Then Lilly might not compete next year. And then I start thinking about all the other seniors there are out there who I don't want to leave. I've tried to comfort myself over that by reminding myself that I still have another year to spend with Liz, Michael, Tabitha, Cody, all the rest of beautiful Region 10. But what if I don't? I don't feel like I'm ready to leave yet: I'm still attached to apologetics, I wanted to do some platform speeches next year, and most of all, I don't want to leave the people I know and love so much.

I'm confused about this, because I don't know exactly what I'm leaving. Part of it, I think as losing a community of people who understand me and who I've gone through a lot of things with. But I don't know. My family members are the only ones I live with physically *and* emotionally. My thoughts are all jumbled.

Part of the appeals of college is the idea of doing everything with people, and coming to have friends who you are close to whom you can see every day. That's also one of the appeals of interning, though I guess I'm making it out to be better than it is. It's just... Kristen has a group of friends that she's allowed to count on. I could count the friends I have to be the same. And I'm very distressed about leaving them(/you) to go off to college.

It's strange, most of you I've only known well for a little over a year. I know how to make new friends. But I don't like to think that friendships are disposable. I wonder if it's enough to know that people care about me, if I don't get the chance to do things and discuss things with them. I don't think that not talking equates to losing a friendship, so I don't think I'm going to lose my friends, but I don't know what it will be like to not ever see you. I don't think it makes sense to have a spiritual/emotional community online, and then try to cobble together a working, living, community at college. Things are so complicated.

I feel like I've spent a long time writing out very disorganized thoughts. I feel a little unsure of what separation is bound to come, and I will find a way to endure, and what I may bring upon myself. I also forgot to develop my thoughts on devoting myself more to ICC. I feel like the only way to develop deep friendships with people there would be to lose my friendship security here. (say when I go to camps, or county college classes, I am not too stressed about making good friends because I already have such amazing ones) But that is a little silly, because I do have good friends who I've met there. (hi, Kaitlyn and Catey) Just now, I am encountering the thought that I'm treating you people like assets to be traded or saved. Ugh. I really don't mean to do that to you. Nor do I mean to ignore the people I hardly see and will see even less when they go off to college (unless I decide to transfer/attend Grove City or Wheaton: they are on my list. Though St. Olaf isn't).

This was a very insecure and awkward post. I'm sorry. I just want you to understand.


Hayley said...

"I don't think that not talking equates to losing a friendship" yes yes yes. I've decided that. And that makes it true. For me.

"I don't think it makes sense to have a spiritual/emotional community online, and then try to cobble together a working, living, community at college." And, hm, I'd never thought about this. But yes, now that I think about it, there have been occasions where I've subconsciously decided not to invest in people because I "didn't need them" because I already had you, and, this. And looking at the converse of that, how can I support and continue to invest in this online sort of community while building a community at college?

Oo. Change is coming. Gross.

As to letting go of NCFCA, it sounds trite, and, I didn't believe it when Tim told me, but when the time comes to move on, it won't be so bad. Or confusing.

Serfy said...

I very much enjoyed reading this despite, or rather because of, the "insecur[ity]". :) Sort of because it mirrors the turmoil I've been going through when it comes to college. I know now that no matter where I end up, life will never be the same, as melodramatic as that sounds. And even before college, there were a lot of "friend upheavals." Whether it's circumstantial changes or personality changes, or you just drift apart, I've learned to accept it. It will come sooner or later.

"I don't think it makes sense to have a spiritual/emotional community online, and then try to cobble together a working, living, community at college." It doesn't, if you really solely on that online community for your spiritual and emotional needs, or resist attempts in your physical community to connect spiritually. Nor is it healthy. But to an extent that will always be the case. As a personal example, my "childhood" homeschool friends (like you ^^) will always have a part of me that no one I meet in college can have. A connection we established through common experiences that cannot be re-experienced. But I'll also meet (I'm hoping, at least) friends in college who I'll become close with because of the present shared experience I have with them. College is like forced community. You essentially can't not connect when you're surrounded by the same people 24/7. [Unless you make a very deliberate decision to close yourself off.] But I don't want to lose my lovely friend-connections I have now. Sorry, I'm thinking out loud now. I feel very split up (and mixed-up) too. sigh.

and, I'm sorry you won't consider St. Olaf, but you should definitely take Wheaton into account. :)

Micah E. said...

This has been much on my mind as well.
I want to talk to you about it in real life.

But about the NCFCA: there is... peace, in leaving.

QueenOfLillyFlowers said...

Rebecca, I didn't know you wrote this until now; I-by God's perfect plan- am really behind in school and music and am desperately trying to catch up. but i had to comment and remind you of something you already know; true friendship, a bond put in place & preordained by God, will never fade. I'm wanting to be a John Adam's type friend in my life. Someone who never, no matter what changes people would undergo, ever forgot or neglected a friend. I love you as a sister in Christ. And you don't have to worry. Life is already planned out perfectly. <3