April 26, 2010

(the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want)

When I was at Regionals, I felt that I loved God and loved people. I had opportunities to be real with people, to have conversations with them, to delight in them. And I found myself delighted in, as well. I found myself encouraged, smiled at, affirmed.

Now I'm home, I am afraid that I am not living righteously... I find myself far away from - God? I feel like I have less of myself, less to offer. I am only a self-centered girl who gets distracted when she's supposed to be doing physics. All that can be done, it feels, is for the sin to be cut out... to somehow try to purify my relationships, to live more righteously. And I'm left a pale, wilting thing, only able to cry out to God for help, for mercy.

I want to be more. I want to give of myself, and be made more real, not just less sinful. I want my parents to have something to appreciate.


Hayley said...

Yes, yes, we are again a thing of the same.

By the by, you and me and Katie need to have a physics party. I've got two modules-worth of homework to bang through thanks to Regionals.

I feel so very weak, but instead of taking shelter in the knowledge that God is righteous enough, real enough, full enough for me, that all I can and should offer my parents is humility, I feel paralyzed by my weakness.

And so I wait . . . [thinking now, of Katie's post today . . .]

Michael said...

I sympathize. I won't tell you what to do, because that is obvious . . . just . . . I know that feeling.

the.caitlin.burd said...

It's funny, but not funny as if I would giggle, how closely I can relate with this.

Hang in there--it doesn't stay that way... Peace and joy and rest be with you.

Eunice said...

There is much that I appreciate. Here are a few:

your honesty
your desire for righteousness
your willingness to be humble

Love, Mom