May 22, 2010

"Directness wins over tact with the people I love."

Yet I don't think I'm going to be very direct, because I'm not sure exactly what I am saying. I will try to explain what I've been thinking about over the past few days. Hopefully, in explaining to you, I will also explain to myself. And of course I will question what should be said as I write this.

I have a hard time knowing how to love people. More specifically: I have a hard time knowing how to communicate with my friends who live far away. I believe in comfortable silences, and have peace about not knowing exactly how all of you are at any given moment. Still, I don't want to pull away from real friendships. Most of all, I want to live righteously. I don't want to sacrifice whole-hearted devotion to God for a feeling of being understood by my friends. I don't want to seek attention for myself in the way I write. I don't want to mistake impatience and hungry self-gratification for building up my brothers and sisters.

But I also don't want to refuse to bear the burdens of the body of Christ, because I don't have the courage to love.

I'm meditating on...
"Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." [Galatians 6:2]

"For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another." [Romans 12:4-5]

...and wondering how to apply them. I feel like it's harder to love through the internet. But, I know that I've been encouraged by the truth and empathy you - my friends - have given me, so it must be possible.

So I was reading Colossians today. Colossians 1:9-10: "we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." This is exactly what I want. (If you pray for me, you can pray for wisdom to live in a way fully pleasing to God.)

I wanted to tell you how I am, even if that means being meta.

(I want to learn how to see myself as a part of a whole: speaking my questions without fear and being there for you when God wants me there)

5 comments:

Hayley said...

:nod: Individualism is overrated.

:thinking:

[be back with more thoughts?]

Daughter of the King said...

Rebbecca,
I think you do an excellent job of loving people "over the internet", a very difficult task indeed. Your honesty about your own questions and struggles is an encouragement to me, because it's a reminder that everyone questions and has difficulties. Sometimes love isn't a conscious act, sometimes it's just keeping it real.
~Renee

Michael said...

"I don't want to sacrifice whole-hearted devotion to God for a feeling of being understood by my friends. I don't want to seek attention for myself in the way I write. I don't want to mistake impatience and hungry self-gratification for building up my brothers and sisters."

Yes! I know what you mean. And really, that goes for the whole post. Thanks.

Hayley said...

Sometimes, it's confusing, and nonsensical, that at times it seems difficult to be devoted to God and people at the same time.

Why do I feel as though I need to balance them? Doesn't a love for people follow love for God? Doesn't relational living get easier when I'm consumed by God? It doesn't feel like it. That doesn't make sense.

"I feel like it's harder to love through the internet." Oh, but, it some ways it's much, much easier. :sigh: . . .

Previously, whenever I read that Colossians verse, I always thought, "Who should I pray that for today?" I never thought of it as something I wanted. I do want it, it just never occurred to me that I did. I wonder why. But I pray it for you today.

I pine to live as part of the whole . . .

Serfy said...

"I feel like it's harder to love through the internet." Perhaps it's because it's easier to be misunderstood. Words typed jokingly are taken as truth, and what is said sincerely is quickly dismissed. Or, deception, purposeful or not, occurs.

It is good to know we do not struggle alone. :)