May 16, 2010

surrender

I'm thinking right now about double-sided metaphors.

So, for the past few weeks my family has been having an ongoing conversation about relationships between girls and guys. I'm not really meaning to talk about everything it's made me wonder about, but, one thing I was struck by is the thought that marriage is a picture of how God loves the church. And I hadn't very much thought about ...purity? as a way to love my possible future husband before, only as a way to have undivided devotion to God.

Then today I started reading "Stop Dating the Church" by Josh Harris. It compared Christ's love for the church to a husband's love for his wife. Obviously, this is a scriptural idea. But it left me looking at two metaphors used to describe each other.

I don't think I've ever heard other metaphors being used like this: who says that just as Christ is the head of the body of believers, we should let our heads guide the rest of our being? I think, usually metaphors are earthly, practical things, things that we've seen in our everyday lives, that help us understand spiritual things. Oh, another one is the idea of the family of God. The church should be like a family... except that families don't always work like they're supposed to.

I stopped typing to wonder what you people reading this think of me. I suppose having many of my thoughts center on how to relate to people makes talking about what I'm thinking about rather meta. ... I try not to be afraid.

Ah, fear! that reminds me of my question last week, "what does it mean to fear God?" I was thinking about it first because of Psalm 34:9: "Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack!" Probably, because I was feeling that I lacked something? I'm trying to remember. I also was thinking about it in a Proverbs 31:30 way, "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I think, sometimes the fear of the Lord is used in a general sense, somewhat like the command to glorify God. It's like, "well yeah, but how do you fear God with the way you live?" But... I don't think fearing God just means obeying his commands. I think it must have some heart state to go along with it. I've heard people talk about fearing God as honor, and respect, and awe. Perhaps that's it? Perhaps it's something like Zach (someone I know from my homeschool group) said, "where we know that that God is awesome, and we are not." But that was his definition of worship.

Maybe fearing God is worship! ... I have a hard time distinguishing love and fear in this sense, now. Let's see... worship - awe - greatness - "knowing God evaporates all pride" - humility ... (sorry about all the elipses)

I think to fear God means to know him as he is. It then turns to let us see ourselves as we are. Knowing how to think about yourself (and hopefully how to not think of yourself at all ... but that might be using the word "think" in two different senses... I don't know ... shoutout to Catey because I'm intentionally leaving this ambiguous)

[writing reminds me of so many of my friends at once, I love it!] {of course I also wonder how many references to include...}

Anyway. Now on to another thing I want to tell you. Half of me wants to tell you because I want you to know, and the other half of me wants to tell you because I like being told about the same kind of things. This is about plans (if they be God's will...).

On Wednesday my mom and I had an exciting, scary discussion about my future. The plan is:
This summer I want to learn more. A lot more. Wheatstone is part of that. I am reading a lot of books, and answering apologetics questions I never took the time to understand. Another part of this learning is hopefully going to prep week (the two weeks when interns prepare for the conference tour).

I'm also going to apply to go to college in the spring. I've thought about this a lot, about how I dearly don't want to be callously leaving behind NCFCA people. Because, I've been in that position - not that I really can explain it very well - it has something to with being very attached to people who are graduating, and feeling left out, and frustrated, and ripped apart. I am fairly sure I haven't learned all there is about letting go of people, and now here I am in the reverse position, looking for peace about leaving, not being left.

Another thing is that I don't want to seem like a cocky overachiever, though that might be inevitable for people who want to see me that way. And I'm also thinking about surrender. Surrendering Lincoln-Douglas debate, a possible humorous interp, my dream original oratory, and, apologetics. And people.

Nationals is going to be interesting, my last NCFCA tournament as a competitor. But, the good news is, I hope to come out to round robins and tourneys. (Here's hoping for a conducive class schedule.) Hayley, Micah, tell me what tournaments you're coming to, if you are, so I make sure to come to the same ones!

I'm smiling because I write such ridiculously long blog posts, but I still have more to say. That is, that I'm planning to apply to intern with a communications organization for the 2011 tour. This is, a surprise to me.

I was concerned that their vision wasn't applicable, and not central enough to what I believe. I find that it isn't about speaking for it's own sake, but communication for truth's sake, for love's sake. And so it does relate to me, and I want to share my thoughts on all types of communication: through art and actions, withing families and friends, not just your standard speaking on the public platform.

I was afraid, for the longest time, that interns weren't authentic. Last year, I saw that they were real people, and this spring, I found myself able live like myself while coaching. I told Michael after the Flood the Five conference that being an instructor there didn't answer all my questions like I thought it would. But perhaps, perhaps it made me realize how little there was holding me back from right out deciding. I suppose, I think slowly. I think it helped me see myself as an intern, and appreciate working as a group.

There's still quite a bit up in the air. I wonder about opportunities: how most people get involved in non-profit organizations; looking for more places to serve. I think about not needing to be original in my desire to be an intern. (It can feel lame, you know? Like it's what everyone does... but I don't think that it's necessarily bad to be drawn towards an organization your family has invested themselves in. And I've not been brainwashed, I daresay. It's been a hard sell.) And I'm sure there's more to think about...

I'm praying for peace, and surrender.

4 comments:

Echoes in Ink said...

Bravo! I love this post so, so much. I'm learning much still about surrender. A surrender of fear, mostly. I'm being ambiguous again, am I not? Apparently, it's rubbing off.

You would be a lovely 2011 Intern. A wonderful blessing to your team [your heart] and an incredible joy to the participants [your mind] {and yet both}. I would love to work with you in that capacity, my very dear friend.
This is a very long comment, the stuff of novel. Forgive my rambling.
Love you, Catey

Hayley said...

I feel like we just had a nice long chat that ministered to my soul. I'm glad for knowing a little bit about what's going on in your mind and in your life. I love you, Rebecca.

I think about fear in the negative way, how anxiety and fright has consumed my heart since I was a little girl: unmovable and paralyzed out of fear of vampires and the dark and lightning and people and embarrassment. Fear is binding, dehabilitating. And then I think about fear of God, being chained to Him not in the same nature as my fear of the dark, but with the same cogency of that fear. Just like my fear of people used to rule my every interaction, I want fear of God to permeate my relationships. I don't know, I haven't really contributed much directly to your musings on the subject, but when I think of fear of God, I think of that kind of binding devotion I used to feel in fear to other things. Only, a fear of Him brings a peace other fears could never bring . . .

I'm wondering now, about faulty metaphors! Thinking about things "incorrectly"! Ah, my mind is full, at least. I love Sundays.

Michael said...

Huh . . . somehow it seems like a metaphor that works both ways would be meaningless, but it doesn't work that way at all.

I'm going to miss you next year, I'm certain. But I'm excited for you about going off to college :) Do you know exactly what you're going to study?

Hum . . . I think I somewhat agree with Hayley, that I feel like you've just told me what's going on with you, or how you're doing, what's on your mind.
You're . . a rich person, Rebecca. One of the truest people I know.

Liz said...

Sharing this with us is like giving us a piece of your mind and heart, it tells us what you're feeling and thinking. I feel that I can relate.

I've always kind of thought that the fear of God was (kind of what you said) putting into proportion our lives and then placing us in front of God. Seeing how small and insignificant we are compared to God. I think fear also has a lot to do with trust. Because we fear God, we have trust that He will take care of our lives in the perfect way. Very, very interesting.

Interning sounds like that's going to be an amazing experience. I'm glad you get to do that and go to college. :)

But, ... I'm going to miss you. (more than you know) The concept of surrender is a difficult one. I've been trying to grasp at change and the like. Grace. That's all I can say.

And, I love you.