December 17, 2010

Communion

For days, I was itching to write, wanting a way out of the bubble in which I was suspended.
There I was, huddled inside, looking out at everything around me. The questions I wanted to answer. The ideas I wanted to understand. The people I wanted to engage. ("Someday I'll understand" is what I think to myself instead of despairing at not being able to speak truly) I could only try pushing my way out of my isolation for so long before I bounced back into the things I did know: the reassurance of responsibilities.

I once heard part of Psalm 68:6 as "God puts the lonely in families." That resonates with me more than my own translation; I think of it often. And it's true, for me at least. . . I love you, family.

Maybe loneliness means missing being known. I think that is what I have been wanting this week, wanting to present myself as I truly am instead of stumbling over words or simply being silent and not responding (this works better over the internet than in person). When I'm deeply moved by something or someone, I think of myself as a house with its door blown open. And what is closure?

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." -1 Cor 13:12

I want to turn from feeling lost, so I seek.

Today in JI Packer's book Knowing God, I read a quote from a John Newton hymn, as if it was God speaking: "These inward trials I employ from self and pride to set thee free; and break thy schemes of earthly joy, that thou may'st seek thy all in me."

It is good to wait on God. And now to receive - by being able to write this - I realize how everything I have is a gift of God's grace.

2 comments:

Hayley said...

Everything you've written here resonates so pointedly and deeply with me! I, just, yes. Yes.

Michael said...

These inward trials I employ from self and pride to set thee free; and break thy schemes of earthly joy, that thou may'st seek thy all in me."

I love this quote so much!