April 7, 2011

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find"

“He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you.”

Note: This post is a progression of thoughts. If the beginning sounds disconnected or detached, it's because it is.

Writing is such a worshipful experience, that I feel poor to not have written for a while.

[there’s always the pulling on things to try to transition, and to connect some past thought with where I am now, or to draw my thoughts into a narrative for others to understand]

I guess I could try to cite my sources, in a sense, to compare my thoughts to things I’m studying in comm class or reading – I hardly feel as if I have any of my own thoughts. My comm professor would say reality is socially constructed, but I would say that words need spirit behind them, and life is in being connected to the vine, not in withering away in my own head.

I wonder if I think too much about what it means to present myself to the world. Here in this I’m writing now I have a tendency to want to solidify some idea, bring unity, etc etc. And yet I also want to experiment with talking from the place I am now. But I can’t help but think about my audience, [how we communicate ourselves depends on who we’re with] so as soon as I realize who is reading this, my internal dialogue changes to an attempt at connecting.

Where I am – how I spend most of my time – right now seems to make my mind kind of quiet. Maybe spending time with different groups of people changes the overall mood of your presence and existence. I don’t know if I should try to describe it. I suppose I will try:

Today the sky was gray, but light as I come out of class. The air is quite cool, and I am standing by the side of the road, waiting for my bus to come. The ticker informs me there are six minutes to wait, and the people around me are waiting too. I can hear two guys by my left talking to each other about when test scores will come in. Most people have earbuds in their ears and are in their own worlds. I girl turns to me to ask about something our professor mentioned, then after I give her my answer, she returns to her music.

I thought then about talking to her more, and striking up a conversation. She’s in my class, after all, but I haven’t ever seen her before. The class has a hundred and fifty students. Earlier in the day I was thinking about what a pleasant mood I was in. I think we all notice how spring is here. But this includes the April showers.

Maybe it’s too simple, too satisfied, to go about my day in placidness like this. I occupy my mind with brief observations about the world, or try to think through something I need to plan for later in the week, or text people, or make conversation with the person next to me. I hope I am describing it well enough: I just wonder about this feeling of normalcy.

I have a short speech I’m working on for tomorrow about becoming a cultural communicator.

Oh praise God!
It’s already almost written, it’s … a wonder

I didn’t want normalcy, I didn’t want to recycle old ideas to parrot them without meaning ….
It all seems to relate to my day, what I was attempting to describe, with the seeming lack of my personality being there. I don’t know if this makes any sense at all. If it’s incoherent, I apologize. But in general I feel like I don’t post enough of what I’m actually thinking on here. To put it in other words, I was thinking earlier today how unlike myself I felt, how I did not feel like my discussing-ideas-with-friends self, or how I didn’t feel particularly led by the Spirit, or like a possessor of some truth to impart.

But speaking, and life, is not contrivance. The Spirit speaks to hearts in a way that is deeper than external ideas from society acting upon your mind. To say a true word is not to use your own judgment to reorganize and rearrange the thoughts you’ve gained from others.

“Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence.”

So can’t I simply begin to speak, believing that God will let me go forward in his own Holy Spirit? It means asking God to make my words true, seeking out what He would have me say, and rejoicing that He has already answered.

What this means for life:
Over the past few weeks, God has kept answering my prayers in surprising ways. It makes me so delighted and pleased and whole. So I will keep asking, because I believe that he loves to bless us, he loves to accomplish good by his Spirit working within us.

I’m really happy right now. And every answered prayer is a miracle.


Hayley said...

So much of this resonates with me, every level! I love and hate college, for making me think about things different, communicate differently, in good and bad ways.

Also, seeing a post from you in my subscriptions makes me geek out. [You and Micah are rocking my world with this resumption of posting. ;D]